Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
