i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize