Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
