So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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