How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize