This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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