A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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