Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
