What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
