Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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