Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
These tits shall not be calmed
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
