You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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