fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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