Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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