I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
