so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
