I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize