Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Watching her eat just hurts me
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I think i got beer on your cat.
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