P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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