there's paper in my vomit.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
