my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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