There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
