Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
