Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
