Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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