Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
