i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My bed smells like the plague
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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