Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
