yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
