i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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