I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I think we might need a safe word for this...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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