the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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