the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
