I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize
