I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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