It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
