my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
