My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
That accounts for only three of the penises
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
