and she was petting her beer can
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
