Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
