you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
two words: eviction party
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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