We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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