im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
