i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You were trust falling into bushes
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
