Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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