so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
