She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
