I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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