She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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