In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
