I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
