On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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