We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
