the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Randomize
