So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
