You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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