I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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