Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
