I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
