I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
