my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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