I can text with my tongue
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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