wrigley field is MILF paradise
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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