I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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