I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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