someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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