I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
