you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
